I'm About to Kill This Bitch in my Bed Right Now.

[SkinsRaj28]

Long story short (and believe me, it'd be a loooooooooooong story)...bitch comes over, hooking up is implied...we're drinking/watching a movie, she's trying to get all up on my shit (don't ask me why, she knows how inadequately-sized my penis is), I continually tell her to wait till the movie's over...

Finally the movie ends (actually, the cable just fucks up, but whatever). Then she starts acting all drunk and shit, gets in bed, starts muttering a bunch of nonsense I don't understand. She's being drunk and stupid and we really haven't drank a whole lot. But she still gets naked and we start to fuck around, but she's being all weird and saying weirdass shit. For example:

"Why am I not good enough?"
"Good enough for who, me?"
"No, the playmates."
"What? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I went to their house...they said I had to do some work."
"You were at the Playboy Mansion?"
"No, I talked to one of them."

At this point, I have no idea what the fuck she's even talking about, so I say:

"You're fine, stop stressing. I want you and you know I like you the way you are and care about you."
"flkjasdfsdalkj"

Throw in a bunch of lkjfdsafj;lk's in there as well. And a bunch of other nonsensical bullshit. Because that pretty much equates to my understanding of what she was saying.

At this point I have no idea what the fuck is going on, because I'm seriously not even buzzed right now (I'm not some ridiculous alcoholic, FYI), and she's seriously acting like she's blackout-drunk. She keeps saying how she wants me and whatnot every so often through her jibberish...meanwhile I'm like "you're not making any sense. Start talking normally and stop being so retarded...get on top of me." She starts to, but then starts being stupid and emotional and incoherent again. I then ask her if she wants to put her mouth on my cock, to which she says yes...I get her to go down...

Then this whore BITES the head of my cock. This is after she scratched the fuck outta me earlier. I was like "WHAT THE FUCK, DON'T BITE ME!"

She says sorry, I tell her to just get on top of me...then the incoherent nonsense occurs again, and she turns on her side and starts being gay.

And here we are.

I actually told her at one point, when I realized nothing was gonna happen because she's stupid, to go sleep on the couch. She started to get up but then just laid down again. Fucking whore.

I'm upset about this mainly because I was actually able to sustain a somewhat full-feeling erection for once.

It also aggravates me because shit retard has begged me to spend time with her/hook up with her on a regular basis, and when I finally do, this shit happens.

But on a positive note...I did get her to buy me some dishwasher detergent and soap for me before she came, so that's good.

I'm contemplating taking a piss on her face right now. Sure, she's in my bed, but it's not like I don't piss in it on a regular basis myself, so no big deal.

This is seriously the abbreviated version of this story. So many more minor details I could share if I wasn't lazy, so much background info that might actually pertinent to this situation. But unfortunately, I AM that lazy. And if I was actually tired, I'd go to sleep, but I'm not and figured my Rubber Room brothers would find humor and/or entertainment in my misery.

Enjoy motherfuckers. And before anyone like that one f ag from before comments about how mean I am to women and blah blah blah, let me state that I actually am not a womanizer, and I'd love to be with a girl who I actually enjoyed spending time with. I'm not as much of a dick as people think I am. And I appreciate the fact that this girl actually likes me for me, well aware of how morbidly obese and generally filthy I am, as well as the whole ridiculously small penis thing. And I'd kill to feel the same way about her that she does about me.

But I don't. So fuck this.

Oh, and saddest part of the story? This isn't the first time a girl has had her teeth on my dick. I wish I was kidding. Even worse is this one has blown me before and was really good, so it was ridiculously unexpected.

Christ I'm bitter. Alright I'm done.

Just a heads up, if you hear about some Al-Quaeda member getting arrested tomorrow when they found a dead body in the dumpster behind his apartment, you'll know what happened.

 

[SkinsRaj28]

I'm seriously contemplating staying up till 7 AM (the time I told her she had to leave by so her car wouldn't get towed...which I really doubt would happen) just so I don't risk getting puked on.

This is the gayest shit ever.

 

[Antonioli]

do this..

 

[royboy_3831]

Oh hell yeah, that bitch deserves a golden shower for biting your dick, do not let that ho leave without the stench of piss soaked on her drunkass. DO THIS MUTHA FUCKA!!!

 

[oldirtyku]

Just take a shit on her dome...

 

[SkinsRaj28]

So, it's 8:20 right now...and I haven't gone to sleep yet. Why, you ask? Well, because this fucking whore PISSED IN MY BED.

So when the story first left you loyal readers, I was at my computer venting because this retarded whore was passed out in my bed. The following took place immediately afterwards:

I close my laptop and get back in bed, not tired at all, figuring I'll watch TV and hope this bitch wakes up so we can get it on. So I get in, and I'm laying there for a minute, when I realize that the side of my boxers are fucking soaked. I immediately get up and pull the blanket off the bed and see just a fucking giant wet stain in the middle of the bed.

Needless to say, I flip the fuck out. I investigate further and find it strange that it doesn't smell at all. To this minute I still have no idea why this shit doesn't smell, but it really can't be anything BUT piss, because there's no way she sweated that much while sleeping for an hour.

Anyway, so I try to wake her bitchass up so I can get these sheets off and in the washer...and she's out of it, of course, still just as incoherent as before. I'm like, "Get the fuck up and out of bed, did you take a piss? Look what you did!"

She has no idea what's going on...but I finally manage to get her out so I can get the sheets of. Of course, it had soaked right through the sheets and now my mattress is soaking.

So I tell her to go put her clothes on and go to the couch in the other room. She's being all retarded and blacked out and doesn't know what I'm saying, speaking that jibberish BS. But finally I get her out of my room. The hard part was getting her to put her clothes on. She seriously is so out of it, she has no idea what I'm saying, I'm practically yelling at her with no results, and we have exchanges like the following:

"Put your clothes on. Please, for the love of god, just get dressed."
"Don't believe anything she says."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"It's ok, you can go...just go."
"I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. And where am I supposed to go? It's my apartment."
"Don't worry about it, it's not your problem."
"What? You're not making any sense you stupid whore."

This happens about 20 times, and lasts for over an hour before she finally gets clothed. But the best part? She put her jeans on backwards TWICE. Not once, twice. I actually have a little snippet of it (and me yelling at her) recorded on my cell phone. It was entertaining. She had no idea that her pants were on backwards, yet continuously struggled to pull them all the way up.

Now, I will mention that she's been dealing with some issues with her ex-best friend recently, and this obviously had something to do with it. But I don't give a fuck, it was still aggravating as hell.

So this all goes down, and she's being so stupid that I'm seriously contemplating trying to get her to drive back home (it's an hr and a half drive) right that second. I actually suggested it, and had I pushed harder, there's no doubt in my mind that she would've gone for it. Looking back on it, I wish I had.

Anyway, so I end up sitting there with her for like an hour, while she's all weird and emotional and blacked out. It's fucking retarded. Oh, and throughout it all, she keeps bringing up her car and how she's worried it'll get towed. Seriously, we discussed her car getting towed about 94236 times tonight. She remembers zero.

Then all of a sudden, her cell phone alarm goes off...and I go get up to turn it off, and when I get back, she's like conscious again or something. Well, semi-conscious. So I'm asking her what she remembers, and of course she doesn't remember shit, but she's also being weird and crap again. So we sit for a while longer doing nothing, then she starts to flirt with me again kinda...and I'm thinking to myself, "I don't even know if she's conscious or not...but after what's happened, I'm sticking it in her."

So we actually start fooling around, and she's being ultra-aggressive. She's saying all sorts of shit and fuckin scratching me and crap...and I'm afraid to ask her to go down on me again because of what happened earlier.

But of course, I ask her anyway. And she does. But this time, instead of biting, she just does an awful job and uses her teeth. I wanted to strangle her. Instead I just told her to get on top of me.

So we mess around, whatever, and I can tell she's still being really weird and stuff, but semi-conscious now. So we mess around for an hour or so...and every so often she suggests going to my bed, to which I reply, "we can't, it's all fucked up, remember?" And she just gives me this confused stare. So at that point I know she's still fucked up and didn't remember any of our conversations.

Oh, and of course, I couldn't sustain a fully-feeling hard-on this time. Fucking terrific.

Anyway, so about an hour later when we're done messinga round, she suddenly just like snaps out of it, and I ask her what she remembers. She told me she remembered watching the movie, making out, and then messing around a little while ago. That's it. I tell her about my bed and she's clearly embarassed and suicidal. I'm trying to be nice and tell her not to worry about it, etc...but seriously, she could not get outta my place fast enough. Poor girl was so fucking embarassed and upset, kept reiterating how she'd pay for everything, etc. I tell her to relax and that it's not a big deal and crap, again, trying to be nice, but seriously, if she had jumped out my window right then and there, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Anyway, so then she leaves. And now I'm stuck here with a fucking soaking wet mattress, on no sleep, and angry as hell...although not nearly as angry as I would've been had we not messed around at all.

Couple good things came out of this, actually:

1) I'm getting a brand new mattress out of it. And you'd better believe I'm getting one way more expensive than mine cost. I don't even know if I NEED a new one...in fact, I doubt I do. But I don't care. I'm going to go buy one in a few minutes. Hopefully it can get delivered today.

2) I'm actually up in time to get McDonald's breakfast.
OH
SNAP

3) Got the dishwasher detergent and soap. Money.

4) She got a parking ticket. Serves her right for the ridiculousness of tonight. Skeet.

5) I got my penis touched. Rare occurence. Holler.

6) She left the bottle of liquor she brought over. Not a TON left, but servicable.

I'm still ridiculously bitter, though. And I have to work tonight, which makes it even worse. Had this happened Sunday night, it wouldn't even have been as big a deal, simply because I had the night off and no obligations. Hopefully I'll get fired.

As much as I'm sure I've come across as a prick, I actually was nice to this girl, all things considered. I could've easily thrown her ass out hours ago or made her feel AWFUL about my mattress and whatnot. But obviously, the only reason I was nice was for future penis-touching possibilities. She'll just have to not be drunk so she doesn't eat my dick. Literally.

Alright, I'm off to go buy a mattress and get me some Sausage and Egg McMuffins. LETS DO THIS

I have way too much time on my hands, jesus christ. This is long.

 

[Antonioli]

fucking great read, you should get a book deal or something.

You sure it's piss? not your fcuking giz load? or you have a fucked up respiratory system.

Skins, she seems retarded and loves the attentions type.

 

[levistep]

She is probably depressed.

 

[teazeman]

you may want to cut back on the amount of ghb you give her next time around.

 

[DonMelchor]

You should've fucked her when she was unconscious.( best way to do it) That way you can release at any time, 5-10 seconds...:bunnies:
Then, come in her face, let it dry , so when she wakes up she has a sperm all over her face and can pull it out like a Band-Aid...

 

[Ironman_8]

Wow she used her teeth twice on you while giving you brain. Did she think she was eating a brown M and M or something?

 

[AndySpainpick's]

great read skins, your a gifted story-teller.

I would be very concerned about her behaviour, especially if she was 100% ok when she came to your place, i mean, control her drinking, or she already had taken something, and then it mixed with the alcohol.

 

[SkinsRaj28]

You know what Antonioli, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck it is. It doesn't smell AT ALL.

And yeah, I'm sure it was her and not me...seeing as how I was laying in bed, got up, got back 15 minutes later and my bed was soaking wet. Not too much mystery surrounding this one. But I have no idea why it doesn't smell.

Levi, I'm 100% sure that her weirdass episode had to do with her issues with her friend. They were like sisters, and then the friendship ended abruptly and she's really confused and whatnot. She's not necessarily lonely, but she definitely wants a good guy in her life. And that guy is not me, something I've told her countless times. Fortunately, she still touches my dong from time to time.

Good idea Don. Wish I had thought of it. Actually, I was really tempted to stick it in her while she was sleeping. She's the type who wouldn't cry rape, ever. One of her better qualities.

hahaha Ironman, that's what's so fucked up. I've gotten domed up by her before and she's been great...must've been the alcohol or something. Either way, my penis will be in even more trauma than it already was. Any chance I had left of ever satisfsying a woman with that thing is now officially gone.

 

[SkinsRaj28]

Thanks Andy...being bored has a lot to do with it, no doubt.

 

[TheFalls]

You should have doubleteamed her.

Don't ask how.

 

[AndySpainpick's]

I don't see how being bored equates to behaving like that, ever. That's just not on for me.

 

[SkinsRaj28]

hahahaha I'm sure I could've figured out a way to tag-team her. I do have some huge glasses and containers lying around...

Andy, I meant the story-telling, not her behavior.

 

[joeyfitzclick]

You ask chicks to go down on you ?

 

[teazeman]

you bringing her to the next bash? i'm sure we'd love to meet her in person.

 

[juice]

maybe her water broke... that would explain her being emotional too, you need to stop hooking up with fat pregnant girls